


Letters to my soulmate

by Lunar_Berry



Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter RPF
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Drinking, Fluff, M/M, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-18
Updated: 2014-10-18
Packaged: 2018-02-21 16:27:08
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,356
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2474807
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lunar_Berry/pseuds/Lunar_Berry
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Joel writes letters to cope with his soulmate's absence in his life, and when he eventually meets Ray everything is instantly better.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Letters to my soulmate

Letters to my soulmate

 

September 16th , 1985

Dear soulmate,

 

I know you don't exist yet but that’s okay. I just turned 14 and my wrists haven't yet gotten a spot of ink, but that's okay. I don't mind all the stares from people. They don't bother me too much now, I'm used to it. 10 years of it and I really don't mind at all. I know you'll be great, you'll be amazing, I just hope I'm not gonna be too old for you!

 

Joel. ~~Xx~~

 

 

July 3rd , 1985

Dear soulmate,

 

I'm not doing too good. There still isn't any ink on my wrists and I'm getting pretty scared. I need to write to you more, I'm not being a good soulmate am I? I'm also sorry about the blood on the page, I needed something on my wrists to make sure I'm not hallucinating some random name which isn't yours. I don't really mean to any more, I just know that when I scratch them so much I can't feel them I feel better, like I can breath fully and my head doesn't spin so much. There might be tears on here too, but I'm not sure what the difference between tears and blood are any more.

 

Joel. ~~x~~

 

 

December 23rd , 1986

Dear soulmate,

 

I'm sorry. I didn't mean too. The blood looked so nice on the floor. I'm sorry I'm not good enough.

 

 

January 5th , 1987

Dear soulmate,

 

I have to go to a psychiatrist now, but they just look at me like I'm inhuman. ~~I don't feel~~ I'm probably not any more, but that doesn't matter, does it? I don't feel human, but I do when I see blood. It's nice, ~~comforting~~ , it gets rid of everything else and then I feel ~~better happy~~ better. I don't feel their punches and kicks and sneers when I see my blood ~~but I want to~~. It's nice.

 

~~I'm sorry.~~

 

Joel.

 

 

March 18th , 1987

Dear soulmate,

 

I have to take these pills now, they call them 'venlafaxine'. I have to take them because my chest always hurts and I'm not happy. When I get really scared and need to see blood I have to draw on my wrists with a red pen instead, but it doesn't work and it won't ever work.

 

I ~~want~~ need you.

 

 

May 25th , 1988

Dear soulmate,

 

I have to live in a psychiatric hospital now, my room smells like disinfectant and the nurses smile too much. I'm scared. I want you.

 

I'm sorry its my fault.

~~I'm sorry.~~

 

August 7th , 1988

Dear soulmate,

 

I'm told that I'm getting better but I don't feel like it. Why aren't you here? I need you but you're not here, is it my fault? I think it is. I think I'm too old for a soulmate now. I have to scratch my wrists raw each night, and then they treat the scars and bandage them tightly. They strap me down at night now. I don't know which is worse, knowing you don't like me or knowing I'm going to be here for most of my life.

 

Joel.

 

September 15th , 1989

Soulmate!

 

You're here! You came for me! And the day before my birthday too. I woke up and smiled, I think it was the first time I've smiled in ages. The ink is still new and wiggly, but its there. You've taken so long, but you're here now.

 

Thank you.

 

September 15th , 1999

Dear soulmate,

 

I can go now. They said I'm good enough to go. I have an apartment and I have a job, but I'm not happy. I've found that drinking makes me happy, and it makes me forget you're not here. I wake up with the worst hangover, but those hours of forgetting are worth it.

 

September 15th , 2000

Daerr souulmte,,.

 

Youu know what? I dont lika you att all I haate you, I fukking hate youu whyy dont you like me? i need you but whu dontt you nned me?

 

i need you

 

September 15th , 2002

Dear soulmate,

 

I think I should mention Rooster teeth. I voice a person called Caboose for a show called Red vs. Blue. It's funny, I can put on my acting voice and pretend I'm not Joel for a while, but when I get home I can feel my throat tighten and my wrists hurt, they hurt so much. I'm starting to think you don't care about me at all. Everyone else my age and even younger has met their soulmate, so why not me? I don't think I want to care any more. I've kept these letters in a box, but I'm never going to show you them because you'll never meet me.

 

Don't bother, I can live on my own. It's better than thinking you exist.

 

September 15th , 2003

Dear soulmate,

 

I don't know why I write to you any more. You're not worth it. I drink so much, I smoke too. I can feel all the pain seep away with each gulp and drag and then you don't matter so much any more, and that is a good thing.

 

September 15th , 2006

Dear soulmate,

 

I'm too old. I can see your name. Ray. A man. Unless you're parents really fucked up their genders, you're a man. I'm gonna need a few more bottles tonight, and then I'm gonna forget you exist, because I don't care about you.

 

September 15th , 2011

Dear soulmate,

 

Why are you on my wrist? Why are you here? Why do we ask ourselves this? I need you, so much it hurts, My lungs feel empty and my eyes burn with tears, my throat is horse from crying and shouting at no one but myself, and Ray, I need you so much. I scratched my wrists again, but this time deep, so so deep, and it hurt so much I was happy again and I could feel the blood run over my hands and arms and the drops on the floor were so pretty, so pretty. I bet you're prettier.

 

Joel.

 

X.

 

February 7th , 2012

Dear soulmate,

 

We have a new employee arriving from New York tomorrow. I have to show him around. I have bandages on my wrists, I have to cover up the claw marks that are still bleeding. Why aren't you here? I've lived nearly half my life and you're still not here. I really really need you, I can't cry myself to sleep and out on a smile for the next day, I'm so tired, I'm so unhappy, and Ray, beautiful Ray please. I need you.

 

I love you.

 

I love you so much.

 

February 8th , 2012

Ray.

 

I've seen you. Your dark hair is soft, your skin is warm, your lips are soft and your hands are caring. You cried when you peeled back the bandages on my wrists, your beautiful chocolate brown eyes shouldn't have so much pain in them. You kissed my wrists and told me I was so stupid for doing it to myself and that you are going to move in with me tomorrow.

 

When I see you my heart swells with happiness, I can feel my face light up with a smile, a true smile that it hasn't seen in years. My fingers go tingly and I go light headed, need you in my arms all the time, I love you so much and I have so much to find out about you that there aren't enough years to be with you.

 

Ray, I love you.

I truly do.

 

Joel, xxxxxxxx

 

 

 

“Dear soulmate” Joel murmured against Ray's head as they were curled up together in bed. “I know you're upset about all the letters I wrote you. I know how much they make you hurt and scared for me, but I'm better now. I'm happy to have you in my arms, I'm happy to be here with you. I love our mornings, our evenings, and especially our nights.” Ray laughed quietly, breathily. “I love you, Ray, and that's all that matters. I love you”

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Just a short little thing, I never usually write angst but I've been feeling down lately so I let it out as a sad/happy story.


End file.
